Chromosomes, Coffee and CANADA ❤️🇨🇦

This summer we were fortunate enough to visit family in Canada. We hopped a plane to Toronto from London...I'm not going to lie, the prospect of a 7 hour flight with a 6 & 2 year old was not exactly thrilling but they were angels. Seriously - total angels! We had lots of food, a couple of glasses of wine (not the kids obviously), some strong coffee, a ton of Disney and suddenly we were touching down in this vibrant city. As soon as we disembarked I had a wish that I'd visited before children - we would've had so much fun!! 

A yummy dinner, a good sleep & before you knew it we were greeted with a new day. We took a quick wander round the city...a little spy of the CN Tower, the Rogers Centre (Go Jays!), Ripley's Aquarium, the cool orange signs, the immaculately clean streets...I could go on. As we stepped I looked at my girls and thought how lucky we were to be sharing this moment together. Such a cool trip & it had barely begun. 

Later that day we jumped in our hire car and headed towards Lake Huron. 3 hours zoomed past and finally we arrived at a little piece of heaven. Have you ever found somewhere and immediately felt at home? As if all those times of questioning where you fit in, why you've always felt the odd one out, suddenly seemed to dissipate. It was incredibly freeing, in fact it made me quite emotional. Now, before anyone says it, I'll do it for you...we were witnessing Canada (Lake Huron to be exact) in all its blissful summer glory. I know that come winter this place transforms into a sub zero winter wonderland...but perhaps with less of the wonder if you've endured Canadian winters for a lifetime! But, despite those nagging thoughts in the back of my mind, I loved it. I adored how polite people were, the extraordinary level of kindness extended to us, how welcome we felt (despite our British accents - trust me, that isn't always the case when you travel) and the relaxed nature we continually encountered. 

During our stay we went to a Celtic Music Festival...one of the beautiful things about Canada is the diverse community. So many families travelled far & wide to North America, to settle, to make it their home. It's what my family did - Irish born but London based, my relatives left for a better life and they found it. For 40 years they have carved out careers, relationships, homes...a new way of living that they have fully & unquestionably embraced, but their Irish roots remain apart of who they are. I saw that history of birth running through the veins of the towns I visited. The Celtic traditions: the music, song, poetry, was evident to see and hear. It was, without sounding crass, magical. All these many nationalities embedded together under one flag, it made me feel proud to be there...& made me feel a million miles away from all the negativity, hate filled problems Brexit has caused in the place I call home. It made me want to stay there forever. 

My aunt described it as a 'kinder community'...as a parent of a child who faces the potential of a lifetime of challenges and obstacles, this was deeply appealing. I'm sure if there are any Canadians reading this they will think I'm being too idealistic or viewing their country with rose tinted glasses, and maybe I am but something about it clicked. It felt right. And surely that's what it's all about, finding somewhere that you feel passionately about. 

So what now? Do we take the plunge and try a new life? I'm certainly nervous at the prospect, the million and one things I would need to do to make it happen but if there is even the slightest hint that we could give my girls, Bean especially, a kinder and more understanding future then I want to grab hold of that & not let go. It's hard for others to understand that...unless you have a loved one who has an uncertain future then all this might seem silly but I know that we have to do everything & anything in our power to improve and enhance our lives but more importantly the future for our girls. 

So...although nothing is certain yet, I hope we have the opportunity to try something new & give us all reasons to be positive for the future.

Bibi xx

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On the eve of your 3rd Birthday...

Dear Bean...today marks the eve of your 3rd Birthday, a day I feel delighted to reach. This time three years ago I headed in for an induction - they began the process and warned me that I would be in hospital for at least 48 hours to allow the meds to take effect. Your Daddy decided he would nip off for some lunch and assured me he would be back quickly. He was true to his word & within 10 mins he was back in the room and rather surprised to see that I was in full blown labour, being told to walk down to delivery. In a further 50 mins you arrived. There was no time for epidural (despite me assuring the numerous doctors & nurses that I could definitely stop you coming out - clearly I was not thinking straight!). 

I was so proud to have given birth to you - you were a dinky bundle of love and joy to our family. It was without doubt one of the most momentous days of my life. I returned home a few hours after your birth, climbed into my own bed and the next morning your big sister, Bibi, came into meet you for the first time. It was truly magical. 

The next year brought so many heartaches and strains that this beautiful day soon faded - it became too painful to even think about and by the time we reached your 1st birthday I was almost defeated. I was so sad that I'm ashamed to say I spent most of the day in tears - I desperately tried not to be this way... being negative is really not in my nature but it was overwhelming & overpowering. I couldn't even face making you a cake. I know that must sound appalling and I feel terrible guilt about this but sadness makes you do silly things. I remember watching Bibi being so excited for you - I was so proud of her for how patient and kind she was when you were so unwell.

Within weeks of your 1st birthday you were amazing me...you caught up on so much, you were getting stronger, gaining weight and your character was blossoming. Over the course of the last two years you have become the most wonderful little person - nothing scares you, you meet every new day with relish and constantly want to learn. The bond you and Bibi share brings a smile to my face every day. 

This year I can look back on your birth with a smile & feel pride in how far you have come in three years. I truly believe you are destined for wonderful things - we, your family, will help you to achieve everything you wish for and all those loved ones who are no longer with us will forever watch over you. How I have missed their advice, support and company over these years.

Today also marks a year since I concluded my 'Happy Days' - it worked wonders for me. It made me focus on the positive people and things in my life. I realised that more good than bad happens on a daily basis, and those who court negativity have no place in my life. When I scroll back through my posts the thing I've learnt is that it's the simple things that make me happy - my family, my friends, my home. 

Without sounding melodramatic the last three years have changed the way I approach each day. Through all the challenges, pain and tears, I feel now I am truly awake, truly able to see what I need to do to make a difference. The last three years have been the hardest but best years of my life. You inspire me every day and I'm excited for the year ahead. 

So as the sun sets on your last day as a 2 year old, I wish that your 3rd birthday be as beautiful as you are.

Bibi xx